Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Undercover Tourist

If I've learned anything in 62 years of living, it's that life doesn't come with a road map.  You gotta be ready for unexpected potholes and detours along the way.  Every day is a journey and if we're wise, we keep souvenirs to remember it by.
That's what I've been dealing with the past couple of weeks...chug holes big enough to knock my plans clean out of alignment.

Cat Daddy had been planning on retiring the middle of this year (yes...gasp...we are of that age), but out of the blue, the planned date of retirement was changed...oops. As a result, I've been hurriedly preparing all the paperwork needed to start his pension as well as attending to all the details that go along with it.

In the middle of this chaos, came the startling revelation I'm an almost, but not quite, senior citizen.

When did this happen?

More did it happen?

In reflection came another revelation. I suddenly realized my life could be told by the changing of my underwear.

I began life in a diaper and if I'm blessed to live long enough, I'm sure I'll leave this world wearing the same attire.

I progressed to training pants and I'm proud to say I passed with flying colors! 'Course, the older I get and with each little sneeze or giggle, I wonder just how well trained I am. From there it was just a hop, skip and jump to ruffles on my tiny tookus!

I just have to ask why the term "training bra"? Training pants I get, but training bra? Just what the heck are the girls (BTW...I call my girls Mary Kate and Ashley in case y'all were wondering.) in training for...sit, speak, sit up? If it's shake...they'll learn that quick enough on their own. And don't even let me get started on "foundation garments" or we're likely to be here for days! 

By the time I started school, I was ready for my first set of Days of the Week panties. I'm sure a lot of y'all remember those, but do you also remember wearing Saturday on Monday or vicey versey 'cause mom hadn't done the laundry yet?

Why do we say "a pair of panties"? Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we just wear 'em one at a time? Kinda like a pair of pants, you know? One at a time...although with the abundance of cold weather we've been having here at the North Texas Pole,  I'm tempted to throw on a couple of more pairs for added warmth.

I loved those panties...especially Sunday. They began my love affair with underthings. Nowadays kids are walking billboards, sporting Doc McStuffins or Spiderman on their little tushes. And grown ups aren't any better. We really should get paid for running around with Juicy emblazoned across our rumps!

And then came the '60's.

Peace, love and goodbye Playtex, hello Vassarette.

Young women can thank my generation for mini skirts, hip-huggers and hot pants...'cause with 'em came the need for bikini underwear and the invention of pantyhose.

Be gone granny panties and garter belts!

With the disco years, came the worry of panty lines showing through our tight britches and wrap dresses.  Thus began my years of going commando. What can I say? I was a child of the sixties and had no filters...and obviously no shame either!

The honeymoon years of my marriage included matching lingerie, but that didn't last long before I entered the maternity years.

For both my pregnancies, I paraded around in Cat Daddy's underwear...except when I went to the OB/GYN.  He didn't need to know my dirty little secret. My ever expanding belly itched like mad and I didn't own a single pair of cotton undies, so off to C.D.'s underwear drawer and on with his Fruit of the Looms. I'd love to be able to tell y'all I returned those back to his drawer after the kids were born, but sadly I did not. It was a while before ol' Deb could fit back into her Lily of France frilly skivvies, resulting in her fancy underwear consisting of control tops and panty girdles.

During the child rearing years, I was buying more Underoos and less lace. Sadly, my cotton britches came three to a pack, hanging on a rack at Sears. Temporarily gone were the lovely tables, heaped high and overflowing with silky drawers, trimmed in soft lace. No little satin rosebuds to distinguish the front from the back, only the annoying size tag scratching my hind end.  But all that changed in the '80's with the opening of a Victoria's Secret at our local mall.  It was as if the clouds opened up and a rainbow of knickers appeared!

Victoria and I became fast friends for the next umpteen years.  When the new catalog arrived in the mail, I felt like that kid back in 1959 and the Sears Christmas catalog was in the mailbox. Cat Daddy and I would go to war over who got to look at it first...although looking back...I now question his interest and/or motives!  All I say to that is five minutes ladies...just five minutes!

One thing you'll never catch me wearing, even if all my undies are dirty, is a thong. I happen to think those things are just plain evil. A thong had to be designed by a man 'cause women have spent the better part of their days trying to keep their drawers from crawling into places said drawers got no place crawling into. Ain't no way this chubby lady is going to buy something designed to hone into...or saw in half...her nether-nether land.

Well y'all...that brings us to the 21st Century and the next chapter in my life. I don't save my unmentionables for special occasions 'cause let's face my age, getting up in the morning is special enough. I love pretty underwear and will wear it until the day I have to slip on my first pair of Depends.  When that day comes, as I know it will, I pray I still have enough wits about me to hot glue a satin rose on 'em. Otherwise, how will I know which side goes in front...and in life as in intimates...that's an all important detail.



Sheila said...

LOL...loved your truths...still lol have a great day!


Katherine Robertson said...

that was great! i know what you are going through, same at my house


Girl, I love you!

donna baker said...

And it gets worse Deb. Next time you go to Target, look at a package of Butterflies. God, Irritable Bowel Syndrome is bad enough, but now, we gotta worry about ABL!

Faded Charm said...

This just made my morning and I still say you have a way of saying what we are all thinking, but too afraid to say out loud!

Thanks for your reply and I think we are on the same page.....keep doing what we do and let everyone else worry about themselves.

Have a great day and don't let those panties get in a!


holli said...

BRILLIANT! Yes, a little secret is that i LOVE to wear my husbands boxers briefs. They are so comfy and part of my nightly pajamas. I hate that i will be in diapers sooner than later because i can sneeze and there she goes.
Oh well- I love buying comfy bras and pretty panties.

Sue (Vintage Rescue) said...

Commando? I'm never letting you live that admission down…. XOX

Debra Oliver said...

I think it's interesting that you included CD retiring, and fancy underwear in the same post. you better be careful. we know what happens when a guy's at home too much. te he xoxo

Diane in the Valley said...

True, so true. We women spend half our life trying to feel sexy and the other half trying to be comfortable, and if we're lucky, they overlap. But more often than not, we are left pulling something from somewhere it ought not to have been. Loved the post.

Diane in the Valley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bliss said...



DKG aka Scrappy Doo said...

You can always put pretty undies over the depends lol. And only as old as you think you are, I am still 26 lol. Have great evening :-)

Laura said...

Of course, I know exactly what you mean.
No shock there!

I saw a sign in a gift shop that read:

More husband,
Less money.

Woo hoo-
We went through that paperwork mess back in October.

Somehow it all works out.


D. Reyné said...

You are my sunshine on the most dreary days!
I am back to the land of life outside the NICU and still a little lost so I'm glad I found my way here for a chuckle!
I love you so for always making that happen!
I am heading back your way next month and this time....we have to get together!
Love and hugs

Vicki Rocho said...

I'm reading random blogs on blogger tonight - amazing what you can find by just hitting 'next'. I love this post and the squirrel alerts crack me up!

I never do this -- plant a link in someone else's comments, but I was just reading old posts of mine tonight (doing a lot of reading, it seems) and ran across this one I'd completely forgotten about but is relevant to all this underwear talk, LOL.

Thanks for the giggles tonight!

Kelley said...

Oh, girl, girl, girl. Appreciate all the "info" in preparation for what's around the corner in a few years for me. You ALWAYS make me LAUGH, LaUgH, LAUGH!

Hugs and happy highways... following via E-mail, btw!

Rebecca said...

We are not allowed to say the R word around here...
So wish I was going this year, I could use some sunshine and your bright face!
I left a comment here yesterday but I guess it's been so long I forgot how to do it...
Wishing you a wonderful show with many blessings