Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Love Letters To The Lovelorn

June 12, 2011

Dear Miss Spoken,

All my life I've dreamed of only one thing...finding my dream boat and sailing away on the sea of love with him.  Upon reaching the age of consent, I've found myself adrift in a sea of discontent comprised of dinghys, shipwrecks, and barnacled covered bottoms.  In fact, I always end up on the passenger list for the ship of fools.  All of my friends' attempts at hook-ups have landed me nothing but a lot of bottom feeders, a carp or two, and one spawn of Chuckie.
I've exhausted all my al-lures in my tackle box o'tricks and my arms are worn out from paddlin' my canoe up a creek without an oar.  I'm tired of trolling bars in thigh-high waders with nary a bite nor nibble for my efforts.
What advice, if any Miss Spoken, can you give a mere maid to improve her angling skills and help her in harpooning the really big one?  I'm so tired of catch and release and would appreciate any help in insuring the next one won't get away.  I think I'm gonna need a bigger boat-load of information.

Sitting on the dock of the bay anxiously awaiting your answer,

The Lady Of The Lake
June 16, 2011

Dear LOTL,

Miss Spoken gets many, many letters such as yours and the advice is always the same...fish or cut bait!
Obviously you're working with jerk bait and it's time for some changes.  If your idea of a sea of serenity is a houseboat complete with Captain Jack (instead of Captain Crunch) at the helm,  my dear you will have to find your own honey hole-in-the-wall.  Trolling the bar waters is never a good idea...unless you're in the mood for swimming with sharks, hand holding with noodlers, and waiting for the next creepy nightcrawler to slither in.  Chumming the waters...also not a good idea. Why throw all you have to offer right at the get-go.  Leave some things a mystery to be learned in time. You would be better served to test the waters at a bookstore, coffee house, or grocery store.  Any man who can read, relax with a cup o'joe, and knows how to shop is trophy-wall ready.  (FYI...I would recommend checking to see what they are reading, if they snore, and if the shopping basket is full of single-serving, pre-packaged meals.)  Remember all men are like fish out of water when it comes to matters of the heart, but when played out correctly and given enough lines, they've been known to jump in the boat rather than overboard.
Another tip to the wise...do not determine a keeper by it's size.  It's been my personal experience, while you may think you need bigger fish to fry...shrimp is just as tasty as catfish...no bones about it.  Plus...they are guaranteed to lose their heads over you.
When angling for the catch of the day...remember to always keep your bait simple.  Lose the barbed hooks and salty language.  Forget the anchovies and opt for tic tacs instead when trying to set your hook.   Think more bated breath...less baited breath.  If something smells fishy...you don't want it to be you.  Avoid the bends, keep your head above water, and a wise woman always keeps a pair of fishnets handy.  One last piece of advice...more success will come with real rather than artificial bait.  They're smarter than they appear and flashy lures only work for a little while.  After enough time in the water, everything will start to lose it's color and wrinkles will set in, but what's inside never changes. See to it that your inside is ship-shape as well as your outside and I promise smooth sailing.
Now...get off that dock before dry rot sets in, step into a dry martini, and chart your course for dry land.

Good luck my dear...and I hope you reel in a keeper.

Yours truly,

Miss Spoken
February 14, 2012

Dear Miss Spoken,

I swallowed your advice...hook, line, and sinker and buoy boy oh boy...were you ever right. By using your amazing tips, I landed me a whale of a guy and the wedding is just around the bend.  Charlie and I are full to the gills with love...and have you to thank.

Sincerely yours,

The Lady Of The Lake...AKA...Mrs. Soon-to-be C. T. Tuna.
(All of the photos were taken by Melissa of Foto Fabulous with styling by Jenn of Give Me Props. Consider this my shameless plug for my daughter and her talented friend and remember them when thinking about capturing your next memorable event.)

Here is a little Valentine from me to y'all.

Through the fog, her eyes searched frantically as the trees and brush snagged her hemline.   The wind whipped her hair across her eyes, momentarily obscuring her vision, as he stepped out of the shadows and with outstretched hands, softly whispered "Lily?"
Fearing it all a dream, but unwillingly to relinquish this one chance at happiness, Molly...

To be continued.

 Now go give that special someone a kiss.


red.neck chic said...

i swear... there's a reason i call you "mama debinator"... yer advice is priceless! LMBO!!!

those photos are GORGEOUS!!!!

now i can't wait for the "to be continued" continuation...

give that Cat Daddy a "yeeeeep" for me and ya'll have fun tonight....

;-D robelyn

Rebecca said...

Words of wisdom with every chuckle... you are amazing!
Wishing you a love-ly evening.

sissie said...

Hi Deb,
Thanks for all the smiles!!!

Happy Valentine's Day.


Vintage Green said...

I loved your "story"......
and now I want the next one.....
You are a tease!!!

Debra @ Common Ground said...

Honey, you could make a million dollars writing romance novels...you hoo... Fabio...where are you?
Have a rootin tootin Valentine's evening! xoxo


Enjoyed a little catching up today...so heart your whimsy today! And your daughter's photos are icing on the cake! Happy Valentine's day to you all!

Olive Cooper said...

wisdom from my Texas poet...♥♥♥ Did I ever tell you I met Joe at the family practice office where I was the RN supervisor? I drew his blood every three months for his doc and my good friend. She is now our personal physican. I had to leave that job for him and he was totally worth it and it was the best job I ever had.

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

Too funny I oved it..Happy VD to you and Cat Daddy..Hugs and smiles Gloria

Cheryl said...

Love this post......You are hilarious!
Happy Valentines Day to you and Cat Daddy.
Have fun,

Theresa said...

Loved this! The photos and styling are beautiful and the advice was right on... Woman everywhere need a advice column like yours! Happy Wednesday! t.xoxooxoxox

susie said...

You are such an amazin story teller my friend, your play on words & sound advice are both AWESOME!!! I just can't wait for the story to end.
You had me at...Dear Misspoken!!!!
Big Hugs & Valentine Love,

lisa Moran, Bilancia Designs said...

I can't take it !!!
My goodness, Deb! I could sit here all day and read ANYTHING you write....a grocery list...a note to the dry cleaner! ANYTHING! :)
You are an amazingly talented writer, blessed beyond words I could ever begin to muster up.
This was an incredible post...and now I am hanging on your every word. Please tell me this is the beginning of many more "stories"?????
I'm hooked....and will "impatiently" wait for the next chapter! xo

Pent-Up Photos said...

I just posted one of the pics on Pinterest and suggested that everyone come read your wonderful blog! Jen did a great job with the props and your post made me laugh and cry. Miss you, girlfriend!


A Cottage Muse said...

Hoping you enjoyed a sweet day Deb!

This post is priceless...I must show my fisherman and my princess who is waiting for prince charming! Of course after I read it again myself!

Dixie said...

You never fail to fascinate and exaggerate...

thanks for the laughs

just pokin' a stick at it... Dixie

DearHelenHartman said...

Sigh. What a wonderful post, images and (fish) tail!

Anne Lorys - Fiona and Twig said...

I know that I can always come here and leave with a great big smile. This time was no exception!!!


Laura said...

I take every word you say seriously!
(while laughing)

I am showing this to my two unmarried daughters-


Anne said...

What a FUN blog!! I'm a new follower!
Anne ♥

Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas said...

LOL!!! How did I miss this post!! Such words of wisedom from the wisest of the wise :)

Lou Cinda:)

I'll be back for the rest of that lil' story you started and then left me hanging!

lisa Moran, Bilancia Designs said...

This is pretty pathetic....
Here I am checking your blog DAILY to see if you've written more to this story!! LOL
This, my friend, is the making of an incredible writer (which has already been established in my eyes).
I will continue to wait, impatiently, ;) for the next chapter. (No pressure intended! :)
Hope you're having a wonderful weekend. xo