June 12, 2011
Dear Miss Spoken,
All my life I've dreamed of only one thing...finding my dream boat and sailing away on the sea of love with him. Upon reaching the age of consent, I've found myself adrift in a sea of discontent comprised of dinghys, shipwrecks, and barnacled covered bottoms. In fact, I always end up on the passenger list for the ship of fools. All of my friends' attempts at hook-ups have landed me nothing but a lot of bottom feeders, a carp or two, and one spawn of Chuckie.
I've exhausted all my al-lures in my tackle box o'tricks and my arms are worn out from paddlin' my canoe up a creek without an oar. I'm tired of trolling bars in thigh-high waders with nary a bite nor nibble for my efforts.
What advice, if any Miss Spoken, can you give a mere maid to improve her angling skills and help her in harpooning the really big one? I'm so tired of catch and release and would appreciate any help in insuring the next one won't get away. I think I'm gonna need a bigger boat-load of information.
Sitting on the dock of the bay anxiously awaiting your answer,
The Lady Of The Lake
June 16, 2011
Miss Spoken gets many, many letters such as yours and the advice is always the same...fish or cut bait!
Obviously you're working with jerk bait and it's time for some changes. If your idea of a sea of serenity is a houseboat complete with Captain Jack (instead of Captain Crunch) at the helm, my dear you will have to find your own honey hole-in-the-wall. Trolling the bar waters is never a good idea...unless you're in the mood for swimming with sharks, hand holding with noodlers, and waiting for the next creepy nightcrawler to slither in. Chumming the waters...also not a good idea. Why throw all you have to offer right at the get-go. Leave some things a mystery to be learned in time. You would be better served to test the waters at a bookstore, coffee house, or grocery store. Any man who can read, relax with a cup o'joe, and knows how to shop is trophy-wall ready. (FYI...I would recommend checking to see what they are reading, if they snore, and if the shopping basket is full of single-serving, pre-packaged meals.) Remember all men are like fish out of water when it comes to matters of the heart, but when played out correctly and given enough lines, they've been known to jump in the boat rather than overboard.
Another tip to the wise...do not determine a keeper by it's size. It's been my personal experience, while you may think you need bigger fish to fry...shrimp is just as tasty as catfish...no bones about it. Plus...they are guaranteed to lose their heads over you.
When angling for the catch of the day...remember to always keep your bait simple. Lose the barbed hooks and salty language. Forget the anchovies and opt for tic tacs instead when trying to set your hook. Think more bated breath...less baited breath. If something smells fishy...you don't want it to be you. Avoid the bends, keep your head above water, and a wise woman always keeps a pair of fishnets handy. One last piece of advice...more success will come with real rather than artificial bait. They're smarter than they appear and flashy lures only work for a little while. After enough time in the water, everything will start to lose it's color and wrinkles will set in, but what's inside never changes. See to it that your inside is ship-shape as well as your outside and I promise smooth sailing.
Now...get off that dock before dry rot sets in, step into a dry martini, and chart your course for dry land.
Good luck my dear...and I hope you reel in a keeper.
February 14, 2012
Dear Miss Spoken,
I swallowed your advice...hook, line, and sinker and
buoy boy oh boy...were you ever right. By using your amazing tips, I landed me a whale of a guy and the wedding is just around the bend. Charlie and I are full to the gills with love...and have you to thank.
The Lady Of The Lake...AKA...Mrs. Soon-to-be C. T. Tuna.
(All of the photos were taken by Melissa of Foto Fabulous with styling by Jenn of Give Me Props. Consider this my shameless plug for my daughter and her talented friend and remember them when thinking about capturing your next memorable event.)
Here is a little Valentine from me to y'all.
Through the fog, her eyes searched frantically as the trees and brush snagged her hemline. The wind whipped her hair across her eyes, momentarily obscuring her vision, as he stepped out of the shadows and with outstretched hands, softly whispered "Lily?"
Fearing it all a dream, but unwillingly to relinquish this one chance at happiness, Molly...
To be continued.
Now go give that special someone a kiss.