SweetT just did a post on preparing for The Big Show. It's just around the corner...my one daffodil told me so!
I really can't add anything to her great tips, but I can give all of y'all a big ol' heads-up on how to blend into the Texas-scape.
I got me a hunch all you out-of-staters are gonna wanna appear to be Texasafied (hey...it ain't braggin' if it's the truth!) and I can't say's I blame you, so besides tellin' ya ta wear boots as much as possible, I thought it only fittin' I give y'all a little lesson in Tex-glish.
Each state has a unique way of talking, but in my neck of the woods, we tend to gussy up things...a lot. I'm pretty sure most of y'all are familiar with some of the expressions we use like "fixinta" and "do what", but there is a whole lotta other sayings we got that can twist up words faster than a Texas tornado. In an effort to make it a little easier for y'all to cipher what we're sayin'...the rest of this post will be me tawkin' in my native tongue. Any questions... feel free to ask! BTW, if any of my Texas peeps have sump'n to add that I may fergit...be my guest in the comment section.
Ever'thang in Texas is bigger includin' the Big Show and the surroundin' fields. If'fn ya don't know yer way 'round, yer liable to be turned ever which-a-ways, feel horn swoggled and git just plain outta sorts with frustration. I reckon the best advice I cain give ya is ta git real cozy-like with the word "yonder"...'cause in Tex-glish...this one word, all by it's lonesome, cain cover a whole lotta real estate!
Yonder is one of my fav-O-rite words in the dict'nary. It's the perfect word fer givin' d'rections at the show. It can mean comin' or goin'...left or right...up or down, but always with a thumb signal to let ya know which-aways ta light out. Like say ya wanta know where ya saw a bodacious table and ya've plumb fergot where it was so ya ask around before going ahead on. Ya may be told it's just over yonder (meaning it's so close if'fn it was a snake...it'da bit ya) or ya may hear it's down yonder (meanin' it's way-cross the field). If'fn ya hear it's yonder ways, just back-aways, and down the road a piece...ya best high-tail it and start pattin' and bendin'...'cause it's a goodly amount'a time away. Unless a'course, ya got somebody willin' ta carry ya there...ya best git ta gittin' while the gittin's good 'cause you shore are gonna be bowed up 'cause ya didn't git it in the first place..and it's sold when ya fin'ly find it a'gin!
Yonder cain be spittin' distance or it cain be clean up ta a mile or better off! (FYI...when asking how fer sump'n is...prepare ta be told in minutes...not miles!) It can be around-ta the back o' the house or it kin be smooth-straight-smack-dab in the middle o' the front room.
(Right 'bout now, I'm picturin' all of y'all starin' at the screen, all whomper jawed and a-wonderin' what the heck...'cause ya cain't make hide nor hair of what I'm yammerin' 'bout. It's as clear as muddy water...right? Jist be happy I'm tawkin' in general instead'a by regions of Texas 'cause Oh Mylanta...that'sa whole nuther six posts!)
It really ain't all that hard to tawk Tex-glish...I promise ya up and down. Just 'member ta make three syllable words two and drag out one syllable words inta two. Drop all yer g's, 'member light bread is Mrs. Baird's, sweet milk is Borden's, and a Coke is all cold drinks...'ceptin' suh-wate-tea! If'fn yer not a-wantin' sugah in yer tea...ya best smile when ya say that...stranger!
If I ask ya up ta the house fer supper, it don't mean yer the main course...jist the main guest! Fixin' dinner is me a-cookin' and fixins are what y'all ask if I'll be a-needin'. Dinner and supper are interchangeable...both meanin' eatin' at night, but dinner and lunch can be served at noon. Aggervated much? A conniption fit and a hissy are almost one and the same...jist as long as they are throw'd, pitch'd or had...with a tail throw'd on a hissy fer good measure! (No sense wastin' a good hissy!)
(Ya cain check yer high-falutin' ways at the door on yer way out if'fn ya don't cotton ta what I'm a-tellin' y'all...it don't make me no never-mind! Jist thought I'd throw that sentence in...had a nice rang ta it!)
If'fn I tell ya ta chunk yer hat over yonder...don't throw it clean out inta the next room. Same goes if'fn I tell ya ta tump the water outta that there warsh tub. Jist turn it over and have a sit down...no need ta git on your high horse 'cause it shore beats sittin' on yer heels with spurs on! Tawkin' 'bout horses...if'fn I tell ya "He's all hat and no horse", I'm here ta tell ya...he ain't got no stay 'bout him. He's just jaw jackin' and thinks the sun comes up jista hear him crow!
Now this here ain't a complete list...no sirree bob. Heck...this is jist the piddlee'o tip of the iceberg...but it's plum purt near as I can get it in one post. Prob'ly, the best idee would be ta git yerself a Texas-bred shoppin' buddy ta have handy afore you light out inta the fields. I want y'all ta have a good time while visitin' Texas and I aim ta help in any way I cain. I'm tickled as all git out that the show is only a few weeks away and that I'm gonna git ta meet up with some folks I've howdied with but ain't shook hands with...yet!
I guess by now y'all are thinking "I swan, but if that woman don't have enough tongue for 10 rows a'teeth" so I guess I'll shut 'er down...fer now.
I gotta lotta rat killin' yet ta do, so I reckon I better mosey on down yonder ta the barn and git to crackin'. Law, but it's all catty wampussed up with the qual'ty merchandise we've been findin' lately and jist chunkin' anywhere and ever'where there's an empty spot.
I shore hope y'all know I'm jist a-joshin' ya and I'll tawk real good again soon...appreshate ya!
(DISCLAIMER: At no point during the writing of this post, was Spellcheck harmed...abused, yes...harmed, no.)