Stumping Grounds

Friends, Texans, countrywomen...lend me your earbobs.

I've been hankerin' for a change of scenery and I've heard tell Washington is pretty in the spring.  I also cotton to the idea of being surrounded by handsome men, dressed in black suits, with Oakley's only for me.  So-o-o...after careful deliberation...and more than a few dirty martinis...I'm throwing my cowboy hat into the political mud pit arena.

After studying and listening to this year's current crop of politicians, I feel I am just as qualified as any of 'em...maybe more.  Heck fire...I'm just as good...maybe gooder...than anybody running...even if I am a girl.

I first thought about Cat Daddy for President, but he's not straight enough.

(Ooops...wait...back up.)

By straight I don't mean to imply he's crookeder than a dog's hind leg...law no!  But when it comes to picking a side...he tends to sit a little wonky on the political fence...kinda like a Weeble-Wobble.  He leans to the left just enough to own a diesel truck, but then again, just enough to the right not to slap a Willie's Bio-Diesel sticker on its bumper.

Fact is, he's all kinda slumped in the middle from shovelin' too much bull corn in the pasture...from both sides of the fence.

He might be a potential VP, but that's puttin' the cart before the horse.  I'm gonna need to have him checked out before making any final decisions.  I sure don't want any of his family skeletons rattlin' outta the closet with mine. I'll be lookin' at other possible running mates...but only for run-along purposes.  Please...I'm known far and wide as a one-cat woman!

(Does make for a good promo photo though doesn't it?)

First thing I need to do is decide which party I'd like to represent.

Democrat...Republican...Independent?

BO--ring!

I hate that someone beat me to that Tea idea. Now there's a name women can identify with, but I think I've decided to start a new party all my own.

How does the Tupperware Party sound to y'all?

  I could be sold, but not bought at party rallies across the nation...making me an instant celebrity...and one red-hot ticket at fund raising dinners.

I'd be air tight, colorful, resealable in case I needed to retract any statements...and the best part?
I'd close every speech with a resounding burp.  That right there should get me every man's vote...even if I am a girl.

Looking over the requirements to be POTUS...I seem to have everything in order.

Good head of hair?
...check.

Big ol' toothy, cheesy, but sincere smile tinged with just the right touch of humility?
...check, check.

Talk a mile a minute in a down-homsey, friendly drawl without ever actually saying anything?
Y'all...I've been known to speak ten words a second with gusts up to fifty!

Over the age of 35?
...maybe
...could be
...sigh
...check.

Birth certificate?
Whoopsie!
Hmmm...Now where the heck did I put that?
Oh well...I'll just look for it later when I'm diggin' around for my past IRS returns.  After all...it's not like anybody's gonna ask to see those any time soon...right?

Now that I got my personal fact sheet all rarin' to go...I reckon the next thing on my personal agenda is making up preparing some campaign promises. A girl can't be expected to sell herself out of an empty wagon...or can she?

Over the next few months, I'll be taking a look-see at some of the issues on the minds of the average American.  There's far too many things keeping Americans up at night to address in a single post, so I'll just tackle one or two as the weeks go by...such as rising medical costs.

My immediate thought?

Don't...get...sick.

I'm kidding...kidding.  I just thought I'd add a little political humor.  You know the old saying...a gaffe a day keeps the doctor away.
I really do have a plan of action and I'll be sharing it in the days to come...pinkie swear.

I'll also be addressing the need for a balanced budget.

Folks...I'm here to tell y'all...I may not be a Rhodes Scholar or have a gazillion degrees from Harvard, but what I've learned in the School of Hard Knocks more than qualifies me to spout off share my learnings.

I've managed to balance the budget here at the Casita de Trash for nigh on 40 years.  I've raised two kids, only had the water turned off once, and can get four meals out of one pound of hamburger...all on a hole digger's salary.  Don't believe me?  I've got the short pencil to prove it.

My way of balancing the budget would be a 4 point plan.

1.  Don't rob Peter to pay Paul.

2.  Never borrow what you can't pay back.

3.  Never lend money you don't have.

And finally...

4.  When painted into a corner and money is dearly needed...hold what could be the world's classiest garage/estate sale...ever!

Y'all...can you even begin to imagine what's collecting dust in the attic and basement of the White House...not to mention the Smithsonian?

Oh.my.lanta!

The "Mamie Pink" furniture alone would probably be enough to cover a year's worth of water bills!

Think people think!

All American made products...except for maybe some "gifts" from overseas.

It could be held on the North Lawn with an admission charge...even more ka-ching!  So what if a little history goes buh-bye in the process.  Shoot...we've already sold off some of America's prime real estate to foreign investors, so what's the diff. Besides...I hear tell politicians are just as apt to forget the history our founding fathers created to better serve the lobbyists country's needs.  Now mind you...don't you go quoting me.  That's just what I've heard tell.   

I've got a lot more talking to do, but the faux-tographers are clamoring for a photo-op as I speak.

In closing, there's four thoughts I'd like to leave you with.

1.  Ask yourself...would this face burp lie to you?

2.  Remember...this is all done for fun...not as an open forum for snarky comments.  I have the power of veto and I'm not afraid to use it.

3.  All opinions are strictly tongue-in-cheek...or maybe tongue sticking straight out.  Either way...if I've offended anyone...don't take it personal.  The biggest joke 'round these parts is me.

4.  I'm needing a catchy campaign slogan.
Whatcha think?

Vote For Our Next Prez:
DEB THE CELEB...THANKS TO THE WEB!

Too Hollywood you reckon?



One person; one vote.
Choose wisely.