Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sunday Morning Funny Paper

A few years back, Cat Daddy kept pestering me for a Christmas list. He nearly drove me crazy wanting that list, so finally I just sat down and made out my dream list. You know...things I knew I'd never get, but would love to have. One item was a pair of Japanese garden pants and another was a butt!
If you've met me, you're aware that in the backside area...I'm more than just a little badonkadonk challenged. Picture Timer, that cartoon guy who always "hankered for a hunk of cheese" and you've got my shape...skinny legs and all! To say I'm a flat bottom boat would be an understatement. Don't get me wrong, if I could turn my head around to the back, I'd have a great rear...problem with that would be my "new" shoulder blades! It's a family thing...I come from a long line of flat butts and to add insult to injury, I also don't have any hips. Everything would slide right on down to my ankles if it wasn't for my belly! See my dilemma?
(I can't see this photo of Sister Trash and me without thinking of that line from "Steel Magnolias"..."These thighs haven't gone out without Lycra on them since I was 14." Talk about a "Mad Men" moment!)
Well, imagine my surprise on Christmas Eve when everything on my list, including the Japanese garden pants, was wrapped and under the tree! Oh read right...everything! Old C.D. had made a special trip to Frederick's of Hollywood and bought me an A** with a capital A!

Man alive, I coulda served cocktails off this caboose! Talk about backfield in motion...I had it going on! A tushie that a fanny pack would actually stay on! Buns of steel that you could bounce a quarter off! There was only one teeny tiny problem...I still didn't have any hips. My rear was bootiliscious, but (no pun intended) the rest of my bottom half...not so much! Baby had back...but nothing else to go with it! If you asked "Is Trash around?", C.D. woulda had to answer...all the way around! I guess I needed to be more specific, 'cause what he shoulda got me was this....

The large deluxe edition...the Cadillac of derrieres!
Maybe this year, if I wish real hard, I'll no longer be the butt of jokes! Sigh!
The End and I'll be seeing you in the funny pages!


Six divided by two..... said...

*Wiping tears from my eyes* Whooaa baby!! Baby got back!!! I looovvve this post. I feel your dilema. And as a "sistah" I know all about the pressure to be blessed in the back. I'm still crying. hold on. * wipe more tears away* . Awesomeness at it's best!!!

Inspired Comblogulations said...

My hubby and I laughed so hard...I remember a post I did on my caboose, as a result of blogging. You commented and said CD had gotten one of those for you...too funny...being specific is important.
Too funny!

vintage girl at heart said...

1..I have got to get some Depends before reading your posts!!
2. I must talk the hUbby into relocating to your neck of the woods.. you gals have wayyyyyyyyy too much fun and I wanna have some too!!
3.Now you have a Happy Badonkadonk..
4.Is that thing comfy???
5. xoxo

Shabby Cottage Collectibles said...

Well gal let me give you a transplant I have enough to share with you and others!

Sue said...

Thanks for the early morning laugh before I head out to deal with "customers", but I'm sure they will all have that happy Christmas spirit! Yea, right. I have the opposite problem that you have, no ass. I sometimes I wish I could move my gut to my rear and then life would be good!! Have a great day Deb.

Primitiques 'n Poetry said...

Debbie, as always you crack me up. And CD couldn't have found a better match for him. I was so excited to see y'all coming in yesterday! We enjoyed the visit. Yes, Robelyn and MALisa came after y'all had left. Bummer! They were both sorry they missed y'all. ~Mindy

Margo said...

You are too funny Girl. And just so you'll know, I've never even noticed your lack of junk in your trunk :) I think I would have split a stitch if I'd found that under my tree.

Thanks for the giggle.

The Tattered Cottage said...

Call 911.....I can't breathe!!.....I'm laughing too hard!! Deb, you are too funny!! I LOVE coming over to your place for a visit!! I never know what will be happening but I can always be assured I will have a great time!
Thanks for being you,

red.neck chic said...

All the people that reside inside my head are ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are PRICELESS!!!!!!! I'm in the process of laughing my butt off right now!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO sorry I missed you and the Cat Daddy yesterday!!! I hurried as fast as I could go to get there!!!

I was wonderin'....think lycra comes in duct tape color? I'm gonna go find out...

;-) Robelyn

(Oh, and hey... as long as you know how to shake that Badonkadonk - you're all good.) HA!


No "backtalk" here. Maybe a little sAss perhaps. You are one funny gal! Thanks for the laugh today! ~ Angela

Valarie said...

You are So Stinking Funny! That's why we ALL LOVE YOU!
The Red Shed

Laura said...

Thank goodness I wasn't eating-again- when I read this!


Anonymous said...


You do NOT really have one of those fake booties, do you?

Man, I need the exact reverse of that! My jeans are about to explode and I keep baking cookies. Oh, my...I'm in trouble.

Glad you had a good weekend!

vintagelaundress said...

You and your "flat bottom butt" made me laugh my "overstuffed butt" off! Thanks, as usual for a snot-slingin' laugh!

Debra @ Common Ground said...

Debbie, I read this earlier and I had breakfast going so I couldn't comment, but I have to tell you this is one of your funniest! Don't you just love that commercial where the girl is asking for takeout and orders the "can my butt look any bigger?" meal? OK, that's me. 'nough said.
AND, guess I'm not "hip"(te he)"butt" what are Japanese Garden Pants?

The Flying Bee said...

Debbie! I just got finished going through all your posts that I missed while I was away and I was laughing so hard!!! I love it! You never, ever disappoint! Oh, and I have plenty of butt and hips that I don't mind sharing...I mean, I could hook you up, if you're in need!

And yes, you know I did get a big hug for you from someone, but you will just have to check out my post tomorrow to find out more! :)


donna baker said...

Deb, we got da same problem. No butt and skinny chicken legs with a stomach out front. I wonder how we walk upright without falling over? Must be our poise and grace.

Cindy (Applestone Cottage) said...

OMG,you are funny! Love this post, so glad I found your blog! Cindy

Zita - Mlle Magpie said...

I'm like Margo, I didn't notice you don't have "junk in your trunk" either. Oh, who cares, you've got tons of style, Deb, and that's priceless! p.s. what are Japanese garden pants?

sparkled*life said...

That so cracked me up!!! Tooooooo funny!

Thanks for the laughs as always!!! :))

Anne~fiona and twig said...

Badonkadonk challenged. I can die now, I have now heard it all! ;-)
Sir Mix-a-Lot keeps running through my head now, and I am TOTALLY blaming YOU.

Auntie Joy said...

There was a time (many years and several children ago) that I complained about the big thighs and butt. I was fine with the rest, but could never get rid of the extra "padding". Now I guess I should be thankful things seem to be "rounding out" rather evenly...
Thanks for the laughs!

Chrissy said...

You are too funny!! What a wonderful post,thanks!! Chrissy

trash talk said...

Just some FYI in case y'all are keepin' score.
1. Yes, I do own a fake fanny...told y'all, I can't make this stuff up.
2. Thanks to y'all who have never noticed my flatcomings and goings.
3. Japanese gardener pants are these wonderful heavy canvas pants with a ton of pockets that I had seen in a magazine. They also come with padding, but in the knees...not the rumpus room! C.D. found them at Smith & Hawken.
Mysteries solved!!!

Auntie Joy said...

If you and CD (or JG) make it west there is a bed is the guest room with your name (or initials) on it!

Moonlight Hollow Musings said...

I can't believe that we missed each other on Saturday!!! We didn't get to Mindy's until a few minutes after 2!!! Then we went to Athens, but didn't find you there either! Bummer, bummer, bummer! Speaking of bummers...girlfriend, when it come to bumms, God gave me a second helping! I so wish I could share it with you! Anyone else need some junk in the trunk? I have enough to go around!Junk for everyone!


Janet said...

ohmygosh! that is too funny! would loved to have been a fly on the wall when you opened that gift! and how cute is mindy with her nod to nog!

LaurieAnna's Vintage Home said...

Girl....I'm in're a riot!! I always leave your page with a smile!

Prayers for Gloria's speedy recovery...