Jump Into High Gear

Dear Mr./Ms. Reality Show Producer:

 

I am writing you with a proposition I believe could be a win/win for all concerned.

In addition to your guys who only lust for beat up signage and old motorcycles, I  have also viewed your latest foray into the world of "reality" junking with mild chagrin.  I must say, I think you are missing the mark with your programming.  If you consider two attractive, young ladies dressed in shorts and boots, traipsing around in weeds the real deal...tsk tsk!  Monotonous is the first word that comes to mind when watching either of these shows.

Where's the sweat...the chigger bites...the cussing and fussing?  In other words...where's the reality?  In case you haven't noticed, there is a whole demographic that you are failing to attract.  I, of course, am speaking of those of us who actually do this for a living and know first hand...these shows ain't reality.

The time has come to expand your realm of thought with something different for a change---the truth!  Think unbridled, unscripted, and sometimes unbelievable...
Cat Daddy and his wing nut, Trash.  He's the driver and I'm in the poodle seat, always riding shotgun.

   Pack a bag, catch the first plane outta L.A., come down to Texas and hire yourself a coupla "real" junkers.  I swear up and down, your viewers ain't seen nothing like the two of us.  We don't just tramp around in people's yards, but hit every antique shop, auction and show we can.  We'll fight to the death crowds at estate and garage sales, risking life and limb for a good deal...and an even better story!

I've taken the liberty of coming up with several working titles and tag lines for your consideration.

1.  Moose and Squirrel...
We put the fun in dysfunctional.

You'll find you can save a ton of money on script writers 'cause you'll never know what we'll say...or how we'll say it.  Between the two us, we got enough mouth for ten rows of teeth.

Cheap is our watchword.  We buy cheap and we can be bought just as cheaply!  If you're looking for some arguing to add a fillip of spice to the show...look no further.  Just come around on loading day for our trip to the Mother Ship for all the bickering friendly disagreements we dish up.  FYI---I would however, strongly recommend placing a bleeper on Cat Daddy's mike and a mute on mine when we have these backyard board meetings.  We have been known to cuss and discuss while working long hours together.

You want drama...have no fear.  I am the original drama queen.  I've had more than one table dropped on my head, forgotten to pack underwear when out on the road, and tripped on my own tongue too many times to count.  We'll have 'em falling outta their Barcaloungers with tales of our misadventures in miscues, missed turns, and misbehavin'...to say nothing of flat hair, flat beer, flat broke and plenty of flat tires. 

2.  A Hitch On Our Git-a-long...

Livin' life where the road and the party never ends.

We run up and down the highway of life, mixing high-tone with high-jinks resulting in hi-larity.  We've been known to share the low-down on hidy-holes, steer clear of a few low-lifes along the way and keep it low-key if censors or children are around.

     

3.  Pickin' and Grinnin'...

Served up Texasified and country fried.

Our show wouldn't be about finding rusty junk and repurposing it...'cause that ain't what we do.  We're better at being inspired than being inspiring.  We scout out the good stuff, sell to our crazy, somewhat pixilated customers (usually while standing in the middle of a cow pasture) and get up the next morning to do it all over again...smilin' out loud at ourselves and our life together.  We're like a pair of scorpions.  If you see one...wait...the other 'un is just over yonder.

I would like to add a coupla caveats as these could be deal breakers.  I never...I repeat...never ferret.  If you're wanting somebody to climb into a deserted loft to scour around for stuff, it won't be me.  Doing so might result in chipped nail polish (which would break the code of GRITS) and besides....good gosh...that's what I had children for.  I will however send Cat Daddy into the trenches if I spy something shiny.

Secondly...while I refuse to wear city shorts when junking (although Cat Daddy thinks that would be a great idea), I do tend to be a bit like Mrs. Astor's pet horse when dressing to go out huntin'.  I love a lot of jingle in my jangle, but sadly this usually results in my overpaying...after being sized up.  To compensate, I usually keep my bee-decked bee-hind parked in the poodle seat of the truck, waiting for C.D. to assess the situation and give me a wave.  That hand gesture is my signal it's worth my time to get my rusty-dusty outta the truck.  Sounds complicated...but it works like a charm and I don't get dirty or sand-bagged.

Thirdly---Cat Daddy.  I will need insurance to protect him from his countless admirers of the female persuasion and will not be held accountable for any disruptions this might cause to filming.  Be sure and have the lawyers add something to the contract to prevent me from being kicked to the curb upon his reaching star status.  I promise you...this man is catnip and you'll need me to keep him...and the ladies...under control.    

Pickin' Up The Pieces...

While digging in the past.

In anticipation of your next question regarding our qualifications, we've been at this business for over 22 years.  We've seen trends come and go, but are always up to adaptation.  We know every back road between Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana (which btw...are the best pickin's in the whole U.S. of A.) including rest stops, BBQ joints, and Stuckeys.   We have colorful customers with spectacular, off the wall shops, that could provide fodder for at least twenty episodes, but more importantly...we deliver with brio and style...guaranteed!  We are a dog and pony act in the sideshow of this crazy carny world we call junking.  We are street rat crazy...and proud of it.  In other words...together we are the whole nut.

We both firmly believe nothing ventured, nothing gained, he who snoozes, loses...and vicey versey.  It was with these thoughts in mind that prompted me to dash off this letter, but if you're not interested, you're not interested.  Pity...your loss.  On a side note, perhaps you would be so kind as to forward this letter on to some insightful, discerning magazine editors in need of a star or two for a monthly column.  We're available...and we're not too proud to beg.

Sincerely,

THE PICKUP ARTISTS...

We got a nose for pickin'!

Jumping In...Then Jumping Out

I seldom do a post this short...so don't blink twice or you'll miss it.  I've been under the weather for several days now, but I wanted to first tell y'all all thank you for your love of our birthday baby girl.  Each and every birthday wish and hug you shared is treasured by my family.

Second...I need to inform the winner of my little giveaway of the Red.Neck Chic's Red.neck Glam duct taped pendant...this is her lucky day.  I had planned an anniversary post to go with this announcement, but that post will just have to wait until I'm not under the influence. (If you think I'm hard to follow normally...think NyQuil induced ramblings...oy vey!)

OK..since I'm beginning to feel myself becoming influenced...the winner is...

Debra...Common Ground!  This lady gives so much to all of us in blogland...I'm pickled tink Mr. Random picked her so I have the pleasure of returning the favor!

Deb, I'll be mailing out your pendant PDQ.  (I'm positive I have your address here at the Casita de Trash...somewhere.)  Oh heck...just send it to me again to make sure this one gets mailed.

Now I have one little favor to ask all of you before I head back to my pillow and Kleenex box.  Would y'all mind closing your eyes for this little closing bit?  Ah-choo...I mean thank you!

Secret message for RobUhLyn's eyes only...remember y'all...no peeking:

Girl...that's one high class lady down...now how many more to go until we convert 'em all to duct tape and pearls' madness?

Insert maniacal, hot-toddy-induced laugh here.

Jumping Bella Bean

We all know busy as life can get, there has to be times when it's important to slow your roll and just relax...let your hair down...and just be.  It's just as important when you're two years old to give those little legs a rest...although sometimes thinking outside the box is a boon when down time is required needed by a very tired mommy.

You could use this time to catch up on correspondence and see what happening in blogland.  You might even happen on something about you in your meanderings.

You could look at lunch time as chill time.  Just hangin' and lookin' cool doing it...even though Mommy is saying "EAT!".

What Mommy doesn't understand is you have other plans for a light nosh later on.

You could catch a little sun and work on a baby tan....if Mommy would quit slathering you with SPF 30!  Nothing like a little skinny dipping to get that all-over, even tan you've been working on all summer!

Funny thing...bath time is never the same as pool time, even though both call for H2O.  After a little scrub-a-dub-dub in a lavender bubble bath...one always ends up just a tad sleepy.  Hmmm...wonder if this is what Mommy had in mind?

Then there is the chance of getting wrapped up in something really engrossing.  Maybe even a little hide and seek, with you doing the hiding and Mommy doing the seeking...that is until you fall asleep waiting to be found.  Hmmm...am I seeing a pattern here?

It's important to stay on top of things, lest one ends up in the doghouse and Mommy throws away  swallows hides the key.

Ah music to soothe the savage beast...or at least the little hellion precious baby.

When you are the precious baby, you can float along and get away with anything.  You can also be blessed with not one, not two, but three birthdays a year...the day you were due, July 4th...the day you were delivered four months early, March 12th...and the day you came home from the hospital, August 8th.  That's the date your Nana loves to celebrate.  On that day, my precious darling...your journey that began with your fragile, tiny body being delivered March 12th ended. God had finished preparing you and you were perfect in every way, ready to come home to waiting hearts and arms.  

It's awe inspiring to look at these photos of you Bella knowing God held your fragile heart in His hands from the beginning...just as you held us by our hearts.

~For you created my inmost being: You knit me in my mother's womb.~Psalms 139:13

~By you I was clothed with skin and flesh and joined together with bone and muscle.~Job 10:11

I will never forget the day I held you in my arms for the first time.  You hooked by lines to me and me hooked to you by love.

~He shall cover thee with His feathers and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler.~Psalms 91:4

When God had finished all the details of your creation and whispered to the doctors "It is time for her to leave the hospital"...We were waiting with open arms.

~Thou has granted me life and favor, and thy visitation hath preserved my spirit.~Job 10:12

Each hurdle was faced with belief that God had a plan for you and would help you to overcome each health obstacle that arose.

~Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.~Hebrews 11:1 

Awed to watch you get stronger, bigger, and more beautiful with each passing day. Wishing time to stand still...but knowing it cannot...leaving us to hang on to your dress-tail for dear life for fear of missing a single step, word, laugh...or tear.

~For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago.~Ephesians 2:10

Celebrating the joy of being allowed the privilege of watching God's hands as they continue to mold and perfect you while keeping you safe in your life's journey.

~For we live by faith, not by sight.~II Corinthians 5:7

As we celebrate your birthday month after month Bella, know that we are eternally grateful to God for you and the blessings He has poured out on this family.  There aren't words enough to say thank you to Him who created you or for the joy you have brought to our lives.

~I always thank God for you because of His grace given you in Jesus Christ.~I Corinthians 1:4

Happy (third time's the charm) second birthday our beautiful baby Bella Bean.

~I will sing of the Lord's great love forever; with my mouth I will make Your faithfulness known through all generations.~Psalms 89:1

Pas de Chat Ending With A Grand Jete'

This is probably one of my favorite Cat Daddy stories. He knows I'm a sucker for surprises and never stops trying to step up his game.  He says I'm a high maintenance woman...but you gotta ask yourself...who's fault is that?  Anyway...here is another rerun from the Vault Of  Dusty Memories.

Sunday, December 13

And She Lived Happily Ever After!

Once upon a time, there was a little redheaded girl who dreamed of being on Broadway or a world famous Radio City Music Hall Rockette. She took dance lessons and practiced her kicks day and night until that fateful day she learned a Rockette had to be at least 5'5". Sadly, save a miracle, she would never grow beyond 5'1".

She couldn't truly let go of that dream, but instead held it in her heart for safe keeping, never telling anyone for fear they'd laugh. A glittering dream to take out every now and then, dust off, smile at, hold in her hands and then gently place back in it's hiding place.

Many years later, she went to the mailbox to discover a Christmas card in a familiar handwriting. Opening it, she read an obscure message requesting a night of frivolity with dinner, a show and perhaps a little gratitude vo-di-oh-dohing! Shocked, since he had never done anything like that before, she ran to the phone to call her knight-in-rusting-armor to ask who had he meant to mail the invitation to! He laughingly told her to go and look in the drawer of his night stand...he would remain on the line. She flew to the bedroom...yanked open the drawer and there nestled in their own special little envelope, were two front row seat tickets to The Rockettes Christmas Spectacular!

Tripping back to the phone, she asked again if the invitation was for her (never hurts to double check) and YES, it was hers. Tickets to make her secret a reality...even if she wasn't on the stage! Tickets to transport her to the world she had always dreamed of!

Dressed to the nines and escorted by the most handsome man in the room (who just happened to be 10' tall) she climbed the stairs, entered the theater and prepared to be enthralled!

For one brief, shining moment in time, she was a Rockette. She laughed, jumped up and down in her seat, cried, clapped and behaved like that little redheaded girl of 9.

He loved every moment of her childlike happiness...and she him for knowing her heart!

THE END

Jump In My Trunk

In case y'all didn't know it...even the devil leaves Texas in the summer. Gahh...it's hotter than a two dollar pistol here in Big D. In an effort to cool things down a bit, I thought I'd rerun this Cat Daddy tall tale from Christmas past.

 

Hopefully... you'll take a coupla things away from here today.

One...some things just can't be made up and...

two...ain't we got fun?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sunday Morning Funny Paper

This was a busy week for Cat Daddy and I! There is just no rest for the wicked and boy, I must be one little holy terror! Santa...please...no sticks and ashes in my fishnet stockings!

We attended a dinner party for a friend's retirement (not that I'm that old you understand...just my friends) and two Christmas Open Houses. Fran and Liz drove over to one with us and while driving, we got to talking about Christmas gifts. I told them about a present C.D. had given me several years ago and Liz insisted I share it with y'all!

A few years back he kept pestering me for a Christmas list. He nearly drove me crazy wanting that list, so finally I just sat down and made out my dream list. You know...things I knew I'd never get, but would love to have...secretly hoping I'd be driving him crazy for a change.  One item on my list was a pair of Japanese garden pants and another was a butt!

If you've met me, you're aware that in the backside area...I'm more than just a little badonkadonk challenged. Picture that cartoon guy who always "hankered for a hunk of cheese" and you've got my shape...skinny legs and all! To say I'm a flat bottom boat would be an understatement. Don't get me wrong, if I could turn my head around to the back, I'd have a great rear...problem with that would be my "new" shoulder blades! It's a family thing...I come from a long line of flat butts and to add insult to injury, I also don't have any hips. Everything would slide right on down to my ankles if it wasn't for my belly! See my dilemma?

Well, imagine my surprise on Christmas Eve when everything on my list, including the Japanese garden pants, was wrapped and under the tree! Oh yeah...you read right...everything! (What can I say...the man's part bloodhound.) Ol' C.D. had made a special trip to Frederick's of Hollywood and bought me a lycra covered tailgate party with a capital A**! Man alive, I coulda served cocktails off this caboose! Talk about backfield in motion...no hitch in this gitalong! A tushie that a fanny pack would actually stay on! Buns of steel that you could bounce a quarter off! There was only one teeny tiny problem...I still didn't have any hips. My rear was bootiliscious, but (no pun intended) the rest of my bottom half...not so much! Baby had back...but no hip flasks to balance her load.

I guess I shoulda been more specific since what I really needed was this...

the DEE-luxe edition...the Cadillac of derrieres!  In this plumped up, pumped out,  rump-wrangler contraption,  if asked "Is Trash Around?"...the answer would be "Heck yeah...all the way around."!

Maybe this year, if I wish real hard, he'll high-tail it back to FOH's...and I'll no longer be the butt of jokes! Sigh...a girl can dream can't she?

The Living End and I'll be seeing you in the funny pages!

Jump Back To The Future

 

As I told y'all in the previous post, Cat Daddy and I got married in August. You'd think we would have chosen a better month...or at least a cooler one, but being young and stupid...we didn't. What can I say...the thermometer wasn't the only thing heating up. Since it is summertime and since the shows on TV can get away with repeats, I thought I'd repeat a few favorite C.D. posts leading up to the 10th...the day the magic began!

If you've read them before...humor an old lady. If you haven't...be kind...and remember my giveaway for a red.neck Glam pendant will be going on until the 10th. So without further ado and in no random order...a trip down memory lane.

Nearing Extinction...A Good Man

June 7, 2009

As a young girl, it was always my dream to possess the ultimate extreme pet...a Cat Daddy. Upon arriving at adulthood, I felt that I was more than ready to accept the responsibility of catching and caring for one. Imagine my horror to discover that they had been placed on the endangered species list along with the bison, Northern spotted owl and the numbat. I knew time was of the essence and I had to begin my pursuit in earnest.

 Cat Daddies by nature are elusive animals, but have been known to mate for life. They themselves are unaware of this fact until introduced into a suitable and loving home. Cat Daddies are of the class mammalia, primata order, genus Homo and species sapiens. They are mainly carnivores and can be observed perched high in deer stands for hours on end, stalking their prey. On any given weekend, they can be found prowling the aisles of Home Depot, Bass Pro Shop and Lowe's. They are also known to gather as a herd at local watering holes such as the "It'll Do" and the "Take Your Best Shot".  When found in packs, they are collectively known as Cheeseheads, Red Raiders, Aggies and Parrotheads, but will answer and come to Hun, Shug, and Did-You-Hear-A-Word-I-Said.

Based on scientific research performed by a large group of women, they appear to have evolved from scum to worms to lounge lizards to turkeys. At that point, a strange turn of events occurred evolving them even further into rats, pigs, jackasses and dirty dogs until the last step occurred, resulting in two distinct animals...wolves and cat daddies.

Cat Daddies, once in captivity, are quick to adapt to their surroundings. They can be house broken, trained to fetch and will attempt to mimic speech. A caveat must be inserted at this point. They are so good at learning new words, they will pick up certain colorful phrases not usually acceptable in polite society. While easily domesticated, they do have several bad habits that cannot be undone. They are known to pass gas frequently, talk with their mouths full, scratch themselves any time and any place there is an itch and do not fully understand the concept of putting the seat down. Many attempts have been made to rectify these peculiarities with little success.

They all appear to be color blind and cannot be left alone to dress themselves. To do so results in unusual coloration such as, but not limited to, black socks and sandals partnered with Madras shorts, Hawaiian shirts and the occasional leisure suit from the 1970's.

When setting a trap to ensnare a cat daddy, caution should always be observed. They are always skittish around the opposite sex for fear of domestication and are more relaxed around good buddies. I have found some sure-fire methods for entrapment and I am more than happy to share this information now.

Cat Daddies respond to games involving balls of all types, over-sized television screens, gadgets, Nascar, power tools and the lure of home cooking. If one is found at an antique auction, the sound of "Sold" can be used as a mating call. The remote control and fishing rods are favorite toys to provide diversions when needed, but can be hard to pry out of their hands.  They should always...always be handled with kid gloves.

They will invariably follow the smell of a new car/truck, Frito chili pie, Spam and grilling steaks. If all else fails, the sound of a beer being popped will bring them in droves. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to feed them a salad or anything remotely healthy at the risk of driving them into their caves.

The merits of owning a Cat Daddy far outweigh the time and effort required for training one. They are loyal, loving, fiercely protective, very territorial and are perfect for a home with children. They are capricious, level headed and will more than earn their keep. They are excellent pack animals for shopping and vacations. At times they can appear gruff, but this is a defense mechanism and are actually quite gentle when handled with loving care. Extreme caution should always be observed to never neglect them as this could lead to them straying from their own back yard. To prevent this, always speak to them in a loving voice as much as possible, reward their efforts to please and stroke their egos from time to time.

I am happy to report that over 35 years ago, I successfully found my Cat Daddy at an undisclosed location and have been more than pleased with my extreme pet ever since. Oh and by the way...I named him Danny Ray!

I'd like to thank Trish at the Domestic Fringe for letting me participate in the Pet Carnival and a special thanks to the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.

I hope y'all don't mind me posting reruns, but it's just too hot to think!

BTW...if you're planning any safaris of your own in the future...I could be available to lead it. Just call me Bwana at 1-800-GET-ACAT.