Jump Back To The Future

 

As I told y'all in the previous post, Cat Daddy and I got married in August. You'd think we would have chosen a better month...or at least a cooler one, but being young and stupid...we didn't. What can I say...the thermometer wasn't the only thing heating up. Since it is summertime and since the shows on TV can get away with repeats, I thought I'd repeat a few favorite C.D. posts leading up to the 10th...the day the magic began!

If you've read them before...humor an old lady. If you haven't...be kind...and remember my giveaway for a red.neck Glam pendant will be going on until the 10th. So without further ado and in no random order...a trip down memory lane.

Nearing Extinction...A Good Man

June 7, 2009

As a young girl, it was always my dream to possess the ultimate extreme pet...a Cat Daddy. Upon arriving at adulthood, I felt that I was more than ready to accept the responsibility of catching and caring for one. Imagine my horror to discover that they had been placed on the endangered species list along with the bison, Northern spotted owl and the numbat. I knew time was of the essence and I had to begin my pursuit in earnest.

 Cat Daddies by nature are elusive animals, but have been known to mate for life. They themselves are unaware of this fact until introduced into a suitable and loving home. Cat Daddies are of the class mammalia, primata order, genus Homo and species sapiens. They are mainly carnivores and can be observed perched high in deer stands for hours on end, stalking their prey. On any given weekend, they can be found prowling the aisles of Home Depot, Bass Pro Shop and Lowe's. They are also known to gather as a herd at local watering holes such as the "It'll Do" and the "Take Your Best Shot".  When found in packs, they are collectively known as Cheeseheads, Red Raiders, Aggies and Parrotheads, but will answer and come to Hun, Shug, and Did-You-Hear-A-Word-I-Said.

Based on scientific research performed by a large group of women, they appear to have evolved from scum to worms to lounge lizards to turkeys. At that point, a strange turn of events occurred evolving them even further into rats, pigs, jackasses and dirty dogs until the last step occurred, resulting in two distinct animals...wolves and cat daddies.

Cat Daddies, once in captivity, are quick to adapt to their surroundings. They can be house broken, trained to fetch and will attempt to mimic speech. A caveat must be inserted at this point. They are so good at learning new words, they will pick up certain colorful phrases not usually acceptable in polite society. While easily domesticated, they do have several bad habits that cannot be undone. They are known to pass gas frequently, talk with their mouths full, scratch themselves any time and any place there is an itch and do not fully understand the concept of putting the seat down. Many attempts have been made to rectify these peculiarities with little success.

They all appear to be color blind and cannot be left alone to dress themselves. To do so results in unusual coloration such as, but not limited to, black socks and sandals partnered with Madras shorts, Hawaiian shirts and the occasional leisure suit from the 1970's.

When setting a trap to ensnare a cat daddy, caution should always be observed. They are always skittish around the opposite sex for fear of domestication and are more relaxed around good buddies. I have found some sure-fire methods for entrapment and I am more than happy to share this information now.

Cat Daddies respond to games involving balls of all types, over-sized television screens, gadgets, Nascar, power tools and the lure of home cooking. If one is found at an antique auction, the sound of "Sold" can be used as a mating call. The remote control and fishing rods are favorite toys to provide diversions when needed, but can be hard to pry out of their hands.  They should always...always be handled with kid gloves.

They will invariably follow the smell of a new car/truck, Frito chili pie, Spam and grilling steaks. If all else fails, the sound of a beer being popped will bring them in droves. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to feed them a salad or anything remotely healthy at the risk of driving them into their caves.

The merits of owning a Cat Daddy far outweigh the time and effort required for training one. They are loyal, loving, fiercely protective, very territorial and are perfect for a home with children. They are capricious, level headed and will more than earn their keep. They are excellent pack animals for shopping and vacations. At times they can appear gruff, but this is a defense mechanism and are actually quite gentle when handled with loving care. Extreme caution should always be observed to never neglect them as this could lead to them straying from their own back yard. To prevent this, always speak to them in a loving voice as much as possible, reward their efforts to please and stroke their egos from time to time.

I am happy to report that over 35 years ago, I successfully found my Cat Daddy at an undisclosed location and have been more than pleased with my extreme pet ever since. Oh and by the way...I named him Danny Ray!

I'd like to thank Trish at the Domestic Fringe for letting me participate in the Pet Carnival and a special thanks to the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.

I hope y'all don't mind me posting reruns, but it's just too hot to think!

BTW...if you're planning any safaris of your own in the future...I could be available to lead it. Just call me Bwana at 1-800-GET-ACAT.