Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Jump Into High Gear

Dear Mr./Ms. Reality Show Producer:
 
I am writing you with a proposition I believe could be a win/win for all concerned.

In addition to your guys who only lust for beat up signage and old motorcycles, I  have also viewed your latest foray into the world of "reality" junking with mild chagrin.  I must say, I think you are missing the mark with your programming.  If you consider two attractive, young ladies dressed in shorts and boots, traipsing around in weeds the real deal...tsk tsk!  Monotonous is the first word that comes to mind when watching either of these shows.

Where's the sweat...the chigger bites...the cussing and fussing?  In other words...where's the reality?  In case you haven't noticed, there is a whole demographic that you are failing to attract.  I, of course, am speaking of those of us who actually do this for a living and know first hand...these shows ain't reality.

The time has come to expand your realm of thought with something different for a change---the truth!  Think unbridled, unscripted, and sometimes unbelievable...
Cat Daddy and his wing nut, Trash.  He's the driver and I'm in the poodle seat, always riding shotgun.
   Pack a bag, catch the first plane outta L.A., come down to Texas and hire yourself a coupla "real" junkers.  I swear up and down, your viewers ain't seen nothing like the two of us.  We don't just tramp around in people's yards, but hit every antique shop, auction and show we can.  We'll fight to the death crowds at estate and garage sales, risking life and limb for a good deal...and an even better story!

I've taken the liberty of coming up with several working titles and tag lines for your consideration.

1.  Moose and Squirrel...
We put the fun in dysfunctional.

You'll find you can save a ton of money on script writers 'cause you'll never know what we'll say...or how we'll say it.  Between the two us, we got enough mouth for ten rows of teeth.

Cheap is our watchword.  We buy cheap and we can be bought just as cheaply!  If you're looking for some arguing to add a fillip of spice to the show...look no further.  Just come around on loading day for our trip to the Mother Ship for all the bickering friendly disagreements we dish up.  FYI---I would however, strongly recommend placing a bleeper on Cat Daddy's mike and a mute on mine when we have these backyard board meetings.  We have been known to cuss and discuss while working long hours together.

You want drama...have no fear.  I am the original drama queen.  I've had more than one table dropped on my head, forgotten to pack underwear when out on the road, and tripped on my own tongue too many times to count.  We'll have 'em falling outta their Barcaloungers with tales of our misadventures in miscues, missed turns, and misbehavin'...to say nothing of flat hair, flat beer, flat broke and plenty of flat tires. 

2.  A Hitch On Our Git-a-long...
Livin' life where the road and the party never ends.

We run up and down the highway of life, mixing high-tone with high-jinks resulting in hi-larity.  We've been known to share the low-down on hidy-holes, steer clear of a few low-lifes along the way and keep it low-key if censors or children are around.
     
3.  Pickin' and Grinnin'...
Served up Texasified and country fried.

Our show wouldn't be about finding rusty junk and repurposing it...'cause that ain't what we do.  We're better at being inspired than being inspiring.  We scout out the good stuff, sell to our crazy, somewhat pixilated customers (usually while standing in the middle of a cow pasture) and get up the next morning to do it all over again...smilin' out loud at ourselves and our life together.  We're like a pair of scorpions.  If you see one...wait...the other 'un is just over yonder.

I would like to add a coupla caveats as these could be deal breakers.  I never...I repeat...never ferret.  If you're wanting somebody to climb into a deserted loft to scour around for stuff, it won't be me.  Doing so might result in chipped nail polish (which would break the code of GRITS) and besides....good gosh...that's what I had children for.  I will however send Cat Daddy into the trenches if I spy something shiny.

Secondly...while I refuse to wear city shorts when junking (although Cat Daddy thinks that would be a great idea), I do tend to be a bit like Mrs. Astor's pet horse when dressing to go out huntin'.  I love a lot of jingle in my jangle, but sadly this usually results in my overpaying...after being sized up.  To compensate, I usually keep my bee-decked bee-hind parked in the poodle seat of the truck, waiting for C.D. to assess the situation and give me a wave.  That hand gesture is my signal it's worth my time to get my rusty-dusty outta the truck.  Sounds complicated...but it works like a charm and I don't get dirty or sand-bagged.

Thirdly---Cat Daddy.  I will need insurance to protect him from his countless admirers of the female persuasion and will not be held accountable for any disruptions this might cause to filming.  Be sure and have the lawyers add something to the contract to prevent me from being kicked to the curb upon his reaching star status.  I promise you...this man is catnip and you'll need me to keep him...and the ladies...under control.    

Pickin' Up The Pieces...
While digging in the past.

In anticipation of your next question regarding our qualifications, we've been at this business for over 22 years.  We've seen trends come and go, but are always up to adaptation.  We know every back road between Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana (which btw...are the best pickin's in the whole U.S. of A.) including rest stops, BBQ joints, and Stuckeys.   We have colorful customers with spectacular, off the wall shops, that could provide fodder for at least twenty episodes, but more importantly...we deliver with brio and style...guaranteed!  We are a dog and pony act in the sideshow of this crazy carny world we call junking.  We are street rat crazy...and proud of it.  In other words...together we are the whole nut.


We both firmly believe nothing ventured, nothing gained, he who snoozes, loses...and vicey versey.  It was with these thoughts in mind that prompted me to dash off this letter, but if you're not interested, you're not interested.  Pity...your loss.  On a side note, perhaps you would be so kind as to forward this letter on to some insightful, discerning magazine editors in need of a star or two for a monthly column.  We're available...and we're not too proud to beg.

Sincerely,

THE PICKUP ARTISTS...
We got a nose for pickin'!




54 comments:

Debra @ Common Ground said...

LOVE IT!!!!!! You two are the perfect stars, can I have your art-o-graph when you make the big time? Hope to see you two nose-pickers soon!
xoxo D

Junk Exchange said...

love it!!

Zita - Mlle Magpie said...

Deb, that has got to be your best idea and best post yet!!! You go girl (and C.D. too)! I think I'd even buy a television so I could watch your show!

Sue (Vintage Rescue) said...

You guys would ROCK. I'd be howling with laughter! Seriously, we need a REAL show!!!

Imperfections said...

I agree with you, that show is missing the mark. Now your show , That's a show I wanna see!!!

Garden Antqs Vintage said...

Oh no you didn't...forget the new reality show "Dallas Most Eligible Bachelors" and let's move on to "Dallas Most Eligible Pickers", OMG Girl, this post is priceless. I hope the TV Producers are reading this because if not they are really missing out!!!!!!!!

Cindy said...

I LOVE it and i would sit and watch you two every week!!! Yes, yes, yes!

Sassy Marsha said...

I would watch YOUR SHOW! I watched the other um-um picker show once to see what it was all about and that was enough for me. Too LA.

Yesterday on my way home from the post office I saw this old fashion couch, really has good bones, thought of you! I know Cat Daddy would have plopped that baby in the truck!! My hubby would throw me out in the truck if I had come home with it, LOL

xxoo
Marsha

Theresa said...

OH MY GOSH... I WOULD BE GLUED TO THE TELLY FOR THAT SHOW!!!!! I think these people need to read this, send it to someone with the powers that be Deb... you two would be so much fun to watch!
I loved this post so much, you have the gift of gab for sure!
I hope to see you on that ole boob tube one night while eating my popcorn and drinking my RC!
Thanks for the grins, t. xoxoxooxoxox

The Feathered Nest said...

YES!!!! DO IT NOW!!!! I don't want to watch those two primadonnas....I would MUCH rather tune in to you two scratchin' around gathering treasures ~ and as for the name, I don't care one little bit sweet girl (all of yours are AMAZING btw) what you call it, I'll watch it!!!!! hugs and love, Dawn

red.neck chic said...

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sending it in.

;-D robelyn
(yo' number one fan (and I make a good roadie))

Vintage Green said...

From your lips to a producers ear!!!

Olive Cooper said...

You. Sold. Me. The two of you are a terrific team and you are a poet after all. You are so cute...you don't ferret and you don't show your bedazzled self until Cat Daddy has made the deal.

Sue said...

Hard to pick which title I like the best??? I think I gotta go with the first, especially since you added, "we put the fun in dysfunctional"!! Love your post today, and hope all is well with you.

Take care, Sue

Cottage Panache said...

Deb, you definately have got the dope on the names and the goods. The last one made me LOL! Now I am going to be very surprised if you don't get some offers!!! I was rolling my eyes when I watched my first s---er p--kers or whatever it is called! Me thinks they are just a couple of pretty actresses! I noticed that they don't do any of the real dirty work! No paint, rust or grunge under their nails for sure! If they want really peeps to keep watching they'd better get down and dirty! My fav title is Pickin' and Grinnin'
Hugs, Maureen

Anne Lorys - Fiona and Twig said...

I would set my DVR for that show, yes ma'am!

Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas said...

OH MY LORD!!!!! This would be a never miss show!!! Series recording...all episodes!!!

I hope the powers that be find this and ACT on it!!!

Lou Cinda

Jane said...

I would be glued to the TV if you had a show!! There is no doubt in my mind that it would be a hit! Send those other pickers packing....Deb and Cat Daddy are in town!!
Jane

outjunking said...

I have so much fun reading your post, just think how good your show would be.
Lisa

sissie said...

Hi Deb,
You and Cat Daddy should have your own show. I'd watch it religiously. You are so right about the junkin sisters and the american pickers...they are not the real deal. You two are!

Send your stuff to the tv stations and tell them you already have a serious following of crazy bloggers.

hugs
Sissie

A Wild Thing@Sweet Repose said...

A nose for pickin...OMG, girl I'm still laughing, you two would be perfect, but I gotta tell ya, we don't want you to change and fame and fortune have a way of doing that...a friend of mine partied with Frank Fritz last night and she said a minute didn't go by that someone wanted an autograph...there goes your privacy and friends. They get paid ridiculous money, but at what price...you two yay-whos are too much fun just the way you are...and CD is too hot to share!!!

SMOOCH from Ioway...

Laura @ 52 FLEA said...

I would pay for cable if you two had a show...oh my goodness...how fun would that be?!!!

Six in One Hand said...

Those LA producers dont know what they're missing! Hope to see yall soon!

Tarnished and Tattered said...

OMG Debbie,
Pardon me while I wipe up the coke I spewed out of my nose while reading this. You are the FUNNIEST person I've ever met, & this post is priceless. I think we (your fans & friends) should start a write in campaign on your behalf to replace those barbie doll wanna be's and their daisy dukes. I watched that show once & had to mute it half way thru. My gosh. You & Cat would be a ratings bonanza. Please, Please TLC, Discovery, DIY, A&E & everyone else...follow these two around Zapp Hall for a day & you'll understand. Lisa

Carole said...

You two were made to be reality stars! I would be glued to my tv set. Now I just need to round up some of them fancy tv excutives to get you a show:)

x
C

Miss Gracie's House said...

I don't watch much TV but I'd be glued to it...with your experience and sense of humor...sure to be a hit!
Rene

Lisa Phillippi llelsik@aol.com said...

You had me at Moose & Squirrel....

Joyce Janes said...

Applause, applause and more applause! You win!

~Joyce

aka Calamityjaneslifestyle.blogspot.com

karlascottage.typepad.com said...

The last title is just perfect for this destined to be a hit show.

Those two girl pickers are just awful, you are so right, they have no idea what they are doing, what they are looking at, or what it should cost. They seem clueless. At least two guys on the other show seem to know what they are buying and are educated about some antiques. Those girls only know about shopping in boutiques. They could take a lesson from you guys!

Kathy said...

Oh my gosh...bless your pea PICKIN' heart - that was the BEST ever - and you've got my vote (and MANY others I can see). And, I'm so glad you mentioned the new pickers show - I thought the same thing...they're not like any of us!

So, as I share this fabulous post on Twitter and beyond - I know we'll be able to say...we knew you when!!

And as a side note...could you spare an episode to pick in OHIO (I'd be glad to help!)??? We've got great junk here too - and the prices are right!! :)

Hugs from Ohio! Kathy

Cheryl said...

OMG..........Love this blog. I have been reading your posts for a while and have finally become a follower. I don't have a blog at this time but just need a little more nerve to start one. That new pickin show has nothing to do with reality but you and CD could rock this world if you could get your own show. I applaud you and yes, I agree with Kathy, Ohio junk is great for pickin!!!
Love your sass,
Cheryl (cdfred@ncool.net)

Pam @ Frippery said...

I would be watching and DVRing and watching again!!!!What a post girl! They have no idea what they are missing. Damn, I have got to get back to Texas and visit with ya'll again. I am going to link to this one from my next blog post. Your are truly Fab U Lous!
LYthH Pam

dogsmom said...

Sadly, if you get an offer those tv deal makers usually take forEVER to get a decent show on the air. We have to tell them that we want you NOW - unscripted and unrehearsed.

Promise them sales of DVRs will go up dramatically as soon as your show hits the waves.

Then think about product endorsements...

best picking gloves, sunscreen, bug spray,

Kathy said...

Deb - I just did a lil' post on my blog...you inspired me! :) I'll be campaigning for an episode in Ohio...so put on your traveling boots!

Hugs, Kathy

JunqueMagnet said...

Now THIS would be a Pickin' show worth watching! It surely isn't glamorous but it definitely is fun.Ah, the treasures that await us all.Pick on!

Curtains in my Tree said...

well hon like you said that show is not the real thing

it would be more fun watching ya all

maybe they wear those boots with their short short to fight off the chiggers and snakes LOL

GIO said...

GREAT LETTER & IT MIGHT WORK. I DID THE SAME THING, HAVE BEEN DOING WHAT YOUR DOING FOR OVER 25 YEARS, GOT MY FOOT IN THE DOOR & THEN SOME, SO DON'T GIVE UP.I HAVE SOMETHING STEWING ON THE BACKBURNER THAT SHOULD PROVE LUCRATIVE :) STOP BY & SAY HI GIO

Pam said...

You could have one heck of a show. And gosh, if you're going to be hanging out in Stuckey's too that would be the icing on the cake. I lasted about 5 minutes of the perfect makeup and fancy dressed picking sisters, rolled my eyes and turned the channel.

Becky Ransom said...

Some producer out there is really missing the mark! Maybe there should be an HGTV Pickin' Star??? (instead of Design Star) I can see 12 people in a cat fight for the good trash! Now that would be a show! Of course we know you and Cat Daddy would win!
I have never laughed so hard! Thanks for such an entertaining post.
Becky

Shabby Vintage Junk said...

Oh Deb....I laughed so hard now I FARTED....Mr SVJ who was snoring up a storm beside me on the couch woke up with a start....hahahahaha....!!!!!

You are priceLESS my Friend & I AGREE wholeheartedly with others who have noted they would watch your Show....Heck....I would STEAL a greencard & move to the US so I could see it as it aired....!!!!

See you soon....!

Cheers for now from TOO far away,
Tamarah xxx

A Cottage Muse said...

Brilliant!!!!!

You and CD would be a hit for sure! Just promise to take your show to Brimfield so I can meet you both!

Denise said...

Can't even tell you how much I love LOVE this post! I would sure watch your show. and you're right.....those cutesy girls don't know a thing about REAL junkin! My daughter and I are 2nd and 3rd generation junkers. It almost skipped me, but she has the bug REAL bad. Thanks so much for stopping by!

Jacqueline~Cabin and Cottage said...

Now THIS I would watch! They're just crazy if they don't take you up on it!

Laurel said...

Too much fun...I just hopped over from my friend Kathy's blog. Guess I'd better follow along to hear what you come up with next :) Laurel@chippingwithcharm

Counting Your Blessings said...

Yeah, baby! You are so absolutely right!! Show or no show, Mr. Blessing and I would love to do a double pickin' date with you and Cat Daddy. =)

Hope you are both making each other crazy with overflowing silliness. Can't wait to see you again. Blessings... Polly

Lisa said...

Debbie, you are FREAKING hilarious! I think I peed my pants a little. What a great show it would be. Hell, they could do an entire season just on your visit to Round Top. I can't wait to see you again at the Fall show and blog party. I missed out on meeting Cat Daddy in the Spring, not this time! See y'all soon,

A'Musements said...

A STAR IS BORN (again).... Missin' you is like missin' one of those fantom hairs that sprouts on your chin that only the 20-something checkout princess spots and calls attention to... you know, "Price check on Mrs. Magoo, checkstand number one." You don't realize what you're missing until you MISS it...er.... you! Kisses and a kick in the pants from here~~
xoKaren

LuLu Kellogg said...

Ya'll are the real junk pickers!!! Those girls have NOTHING on you and Cat Daddy!!

Sending Love!
LuLu~*xoxo

p.s. Have I told you how much I miss you??? LOTS!!!

Tammy's Vintage Finds said...

Ah yes, the Picker Sisters. Yeah, I'm naming names! They are both Texas gals. You'd think they'd know better. I like what they create for their store, but the booty shorts and perfect makeup has got to go. That ain't reality sisters!

Rebecca said...

I have been MIA but I am so glad I came up for this one... my coffee is all over the computer screen from laughing. You and hubby would be the next Laugh In of Pick'in reality style!
Loved this post...
btw... I haven't forgotten you, your bling is a com'in... (like my Texas talk?)
Blessings
RE

Dixie said...

having been away from blogging for a couple of weeks due to some family commitments... I thought I'd spend a few minutes reading some of my favorite blogs... so glad I dropped by today and read back a few posts... Deb, you crack me up...and I have to admit, I've had some of those same thoughts about the two-city-gals junkin reality... I tivo'd it a couple of times... got bored and quit... yep... you and CatDaddy would be the perfect pair for true reality! count me and my tivo in!

hugs. Dixie

Margo said...

ditto, I hate those 2 shows and refuse to watch. I can't imagine anyone thinking those 2 girls are the "reality" of junking.

Blessings,
Margo aka Robolady

robolady.blogspot.com/
robojunker.com
etsy.com/shop/robolady

FILIGREE MOON said...

Boy, would I watch! So real, so fun!

Debra said...

Must be in the name ;) I agree there is usually very little "reality" in these so-called reality shows. What a hoot and how much fun you would be judging my your post!