Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Unmagnificent Seven

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

seven secret Santas

There is a list of gifts that I keep close to my heart. If my true love ever decided to give me one of these, he knows he best keep that red sleigh moving on down the road 'cause the honeymoon is over!

It's a short list, but just to be on the safe side, I've taken the liberty of sewing copies to the inside of his underwear. He is getting old and forgetful ya know and one little slip up and it's curtains I tell ya!

  1. Bathroom scales tops the list....need I say more? Yeah nothing says lovin' like "Girl, I think you've put on a few."! Nothing says buh-bye as well either! Throw in a stationary bike and a gym membership...and I think I'll sit on him to see if he can guess my weight!
  2. Hickory Farms gift set...Oh mylanta. He just got through telling me what a chubbette I've become, why on green earth would he think some fancy hangdown is better? I don't care if it does come with cheese and crackers! That's what you give your Uncle Wilbur for gosh sakes...not your ever-lovin...at least not if you want any future ever-lovin'!
  3. A jelly making kit...for real? The last time I tried to make jam, it never jelled, but after a year it had a kick to rival the best Mogan David's! Besides...I prefer gifts that don't require hot wax...or work!
  4. A hot wax hair removal kit...see disclaimer above! If men don't have to remove unsightly hair...why do we? Oh that's right...we prefer two eyebrows. I'll say this once and only once...the only time I want hot wax in my presence is when I'm in the throes of creating...not in the throes of pain!
  5. Ginsu knife set....really? Think about it big boy...now you're arming me. Besides I've heard it's bad luck to give knives as a gift...something about it severing a relationship. Hmmm...whatcha trying to tell me here?
  6. Absolutely no underwear that plays Jingle Bells! Sorry fellow, but not just no, but heck no! Nope, zilch, nada, no way-no how...don't even go there 'cause it ain't gonna happen...not even for five minutes! Besides...we both know those aren't really for me. You might as well write on the gift tag "To Cat Daddy, From Cat Daddy"...oh and be sure to get them in your size! You know how much you hate chafing!
  7. Finally...no clothing from the clearance rack, size 8 or smaller. I'm sure you think you're saying you still see me as I was when we first married (or so you say), but we both know all it says is you've shopped at one to many flea markets and think everything should be a steal. Guess what...it ain't! So my darling Texan Picker...unless you want to be picking your teeth up off the floor...don't suggest I at least try them on first...'cause them's fighting words and I got a hot, freshly waxed Ginsu and I know how to use it!

SQUIRREL ALERT!!!

Here's a few answers to some of y'alls questions.

General Waverly was the old gentleman who owned the lodge in White Christmas.

Liz of Liz/Fran fame made the Fab U Lous tree, not me. Love to take credit...but y'all know better!

The wonderful box was a gift from one of my dearest friends, Carolyn Westbrook. She knows how much I love that particular type of folk art and I treasure it.

This chick a-crafting

These mem-OH-ries

Forever young

Three generations

Two naughty lists

And a snow clad lady at W&T's!

12 comments:

Gracie's Cottage said...

Suggest you add to your list:
Scissors That will Cut Through Anything - As Seen on TV.

Course I didn't actually get those for Christmas. I got them for MOTHER'S DAY, from the father of my children. You can bet I so wanted to try them out that day!!!!

Lori Katies Rose Cottage said...

You are cracking me up girl!!! I had to
read these to my husband just in case
he had those ideas in his head ~

Sassy Marsha said...

ROTFL, what a great way to start my morning!!!

xxoo
Marsha

red.neck chic said...

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's all I've got... I'm laughing toooooooooooo hard!!!

xoxoxoxo
robelyn

Garden Antqs Vintage said...

Deb, you are truly one in a million, you say the things we are thinking! Happy Christmas week, T

Red Shed Cottage Chic Antiques said...

Hon, you are SO Fricking Funny!! Your brain is on a whole different planet! Love you!
Valarie

Jena Williams, Not So Shabby Interiors said...

Wow, what a great post! Needed that after baby was up sick all night! Deb, you can brighten anyones day!! I really think you should do a top ten for us all to print out and give to our hubby's!!

CEDAR JUNCTION said...

I got really upset when my then fiance' bought me a food processor for Christmas. He hasn't made that mistake again. LOL

Have a wonderful Christmas,
Teresa

Cottage Panache said...

Oh my gosh Deb this was hilarious and so on the money! Have A Merry Christmas. :) Maureen

Zita said...

Deb, you are such a great wife - you make it so easy for that C.D. not to make a mortal mistake in the gift-giving department. Gosh he's a lucky man!

Brayton Homestead Interiors said...

laughed through your list and thoroughly agree! hehe- especially the jelly making kit!

Karen

Deb said...

LOL....