Thursday, December 19, 2013

Christmas Newsletter 2013*

*Sometimes you gotta read between the lines.

Greetings All!
Wow...2013 has flown by and there is so much to tell of our year. I hardly know where to start.
Hidy y'all!
Wow--it's almost 2014 and I haven't done one darn thing I thought I would in 2013.

Henry and I decided 2013 was the year we would start to live a healthier lifestyle beginning with our diet. We found we had so much energy and were able to get a lot more done with just a few simple changes. With my new found energy, I even landed a job working as a consultant for a major firm. Staying current with trends is my passion and I can honestly say, my world is now technicolored!
Well wouldn't you just know it.  Henry got fired--again. That man couldn't hold a job if his hands were covered in Gorilla glue. A beer bottle, yes--a job, no. It was hard enough trying to keep food on the table, what with the price of groceries and all, but now? Guess I'll have to get out and hustle back my old job at Lowe's working in the paint department. But in the meantime--Hello Ramen noodles, my old friend.
I managed to squeeze in an exciting 8 day, 7 night stay at an exclusive spa.  Between my spa visit and the lifestyle change, I lost an amazing 240 pounds. I can honestly say Henry and I are now a new man and woman.
After being incarcerated for a week in Bellview, just because I was caught trying to smother Henry with his pillow, I finally said enough is enough. I called a lawyer and got the divorce papers filed. I've threatened it for years, but I just got so sick and tired of supporting his dead weight--all 210 pounds of it--that this time I actually followed through!  'Course, I called the lawyer to cancel it after Henry realized I wasn't bluffing and really meant business this time. He is now gainfully employed and even helping some around the house. Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

The children have been quite busy as well.
My kids are driving me to drink with their antics. Can I help it they inherited the crazy gene from me?
Henry Jr. and his wife, Trixie have decided to down size while waiting for word upon his promotion/relocation. They have such a knack for balancing time between work and the children.
Henry Jr., Trixie and all the young'uns have moved in on top of me. Seems he quit his job to become a circus clown. That nut didn't fall very far from the tree, but in the meantime I've got kids hanging from the rafters while he attends clown college. Of course that leaves me as the full time, free babysitter while Trixie works double shifts at the Stardust Lounge. At least she's got her act together---and I hear it's a doozie.
Henriette's graduation will be in the spring with a degree in performing arts. She's worked so hard and we are all so proud of her for following her dreams. After pulling some strings, several opportunities are opening up for her, including the chance to work outside the country in an exotic locale. It will be exciting to see which path she chooses.
Henriette will finally be getting out of school after 8 long years of changing majors. That girl has the attention span of a gnat. So far she's been offered a job backstage in a puppet theater or starring in a movie for a sketchy production company in some remote part of South America. I'm really pushing the puppet gig.

The grandchildren are a delight and keep me young.
Forget gyms. Chasing a buck nekkid 4 year old down a sidewalk is exercise enough for me.
The oldest, Henry III, is in 5th grade and made the Principal's List for his science fair project. I see another Einstein in our midst.
I don't have a clue where he got the idea silly putty and hydrogen peroxide would mix (he mumbled something about my Pinterest board) but after his volcano blew up all over the Principal's Santa costume, he is now in detention for the rest of the school year.
I really must run now. Christmas is next week and there are cookies to bake, gifts to wrap, and cards to mail.
Oh good gosh. Christmas is next week, the kitchen is filthy, I haven't done any shopping, and I have to mail out this silly newsletter to all my relatives.
I wish you all the best in the coming new year.
No I don't. I hope your life is just as chaotic and less than perfect like mine. I'd hate to think I'm all alone in this boat called life.
We wish you much joy and love this Christmas surrounded by those you love.
I wish you much joy and love this Christmas surrounded by those you love.

And even though I sometimes feel like Custer at Little Big Horn, surrounded by my throwed off family, I wouldn't have it any other way. They are near and dear to me. Just wish they weren't quite so near.  Little Henry--you come untie me right this instant. You hear me?  Little Henry?
Christmas hugs,